William Ury, Randon House Business Books, London 1991
We all know ‘difficult’ people. They’re the ones who object to everything, cause trouble, are convinced of the rectitude of their own opinion, and just won’t ‘play ball’. Many doctors fit this characterisation. There are even courses you can go on to learn how to ‘manage difficult colleagues’. Well, why not save some money and just read ‘Getting past no: Negotiating with difficult people’, by William Ury
Ury’s ‘breakthrough strategy’ echoes most change management models that acknowledge the harder you push someone the more resistance you are likely to meet. So don’t do it! It’s easy to say but when someone is frustrating your best efforts and behaving unreasonably it’s hard to follow the first piece of advice, which is, don’t react. Ury calls this:
- Step 1: ‘Go to the balcony’. The reason I find this appealing is that it demonstrates that you are in control of the situation. You can control your behaviour, even if you can’t control theirs. Going to the balcony means metaphorically and/or literally stepping back. Give yourself of few moments to re-identify your interests, decide if you want to negotiate (what’s your alternative look like?), and identify their tactics:
So, pause, review, and don’t be bulldozed.
- Step 2: ‘Step to their side’. Disarm your opponent by:
- Listening actively: paraphrase and ask for correction, observe body language and check your own
- Apologise for misunderstanding
- Acknowledge without agreeing: recognise their authority and competence
- Agree without conceding
- Avoid provocation: e.g. use “Yes…And” rather than “But”; avoid “you” rather say “I”
- Stand up for yourself and project confidence
- Step 3: ‘Don’t reject…reframe’
- Act as if they’re interested in problem-solving – before they realise it, they will be!
- Ask problem-solving questions:
- ask why, but indirectly: “I’m not sure I understand why you want that”. Use a preface, “you seem to feel strongly about this…”
- ask why not: “what would be wrong with this approach?”
- ask what if
- ask for his advice: “what would you do if you were Clinical Director?” “I understand your desire to stick to College guidelines. Still, this is very important to the Trust. How would you suggest we move forward?”
- ask “what makes that fair?”
- Reframe tactics
- Silence
- Go around stone walls: ignore, reinterpret, test
- Deflect attacks: reframe, look to the future, use “we”
- Expose tricks: play dumb, clarify, negotiate about the process
- Step 4: Build them a golden bridge (Sun Tzu)
- Overcome the 4 obstacles
- Not their idea: involve your opponent, give limited choices
- Unmet interests: don’t dismiss as irrational
- Fear of losing face: mediation and appeal, let them take the credit
- Too much too fast: pilot, nothing is agreed until everything is agreed
- Overcome the 4 obstacles
- Step 5: Bring them to their senses not their knees
- Develop your BATNA* and let him see it
- If you deploy it, use the minimum
- Build a coalition
- Get a written agreement with consequences
*Best Alternative To A Negotiated Agreement